
Iâm on all fours, straining to flick out the blue, wriggling tail thatâs slide under my oven.
I need something long, but not sharp.
 AlexaâŚWill a butter knife cut a beta fish?
AlexaâŚhow long, can this thing live out of water?
Goodness, my daughter is crying. She begged to help me transfer the fish into his clean water bowl. She didnât want to help, she wanted to do it herself.
I knew it was a bad idea. Weâve had London two years now. Iâve made it clear to him,
If you jump out and fall on the floor, Iâm not picking you up. Youâll die there, buddy.
However, when the tragedy unfolded, I couldnât let him die, undignified, on a sticky kitchen floor.
No. Iâd save his life! And I did. He was softer than Iâd imagined. GrossâŚbut soft.
I kinda, sorta, totally love him.
I imagine weâve all pleaded with God to give us something. Unlike me, heâs a perfect parent. My fuzzy feelings for London the fish, are nothing compared to the love God has for the desires of my heart.
He knows when weâre ready.
He knows when weâre not.
We may drop the responsibility on the floor, shrink behind a stool and cry. Not because we donât want to please God, but because we arenât equipped yet for the call.
For years, Iâve asked God,
Why have you allowed so many trials in our pursuit of adoption?
Iâve begged and begged…
Just let us do this Lord!!
Heâs answered on several occasions the same way,
Iâm making you stronger.
I donât know all the reasons weâre asked to wait. However, I do know there is perfectly holy reason for every situation. Sometimes he waits because I haven’t allowed him to shape my desires to his perfect will.
Desires of the heart arenât docile and tame. More often, hope slips out of our hands and wedges itself in a hot, messy crevice. When it does, we canât flip out and pronounce it dead. We need to be ready to get on our knees and breathe life into it through arduous prayer.
The third time the door shut on adoption; I swear the rupture in my heart was audible.
But I remembered, Jesus was, âa man of suffering, and familiar with pain.â (Isaiah 53:3)
I also know he pushed through, âFor the joy set before him he endured the cross.â (Hebrews 12:2)
There was a joy our Savior didnât reach until he endured great suffering. He knew the suffering was worth it because there was incomprehensible joy on the other end.
God cherishes the desires of our hearts so immensely, he won’t hand them over until our hands are perfectly aligned with his for safe transfer. Then, we must allow his hands to cup our own and lead us in the right direction.
So many times, Iâve pulled away from his will and forged the journey on my own. Â Heâs super patient. Heâs watched countless âfishâ splat on my lifeâs floor.
Every so often, by his grace, my hold stays in perfect unison with his. This doesnât mean things move forward without a hitch. I canât flawlessly love and persevere like Jesus. But when something on the brink of death is stuck under my oven, I donât freak out like I used to.
I understand desires of our hearts require constant care and dedication. We need to love them as much as God does. Sometimes, it’s necessary to face things that once grossed us out; like picking up a fish or seeing the corrupt underbelly of adoption institutions.
Whatever God places in my little hands, is something he totally adores. He doesnât give it to me to watch it suffocate. He has to make me brave enough to stretch into the unknown and fight for its life when things get shaky.
God withholds, until we’re prepared to take holy-hold of the things he loves.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. “
Ecclesiastes 3:11