Hitting Rock Bottom

mommyandcara

I turned to Aaron last night and said, “If she goes home in April, I don’t think I’ll survive it, baby.”

Taking my hand, he said, “We’ll get through it.”

The depths of human emotion are astounding. As soon as you reach the bottom of the well, your soul strikes a geyser, emotions rush to the surface, shattering the limitations of how you thought you could ever feel, or give.

The number one comment I’ve received after becoming a foster mom is, “I could never do that. I could never love a child and then give them back. It would be too hard.”

I know some of you’ve said those very words to me. You know the first person to say this to me?

Me.

About a gazillion times before you opened your mouth, so don’t sweat it. I’m pretty sure my head will pop off like a Barbie doll when/if she isn’t with us anymore. So…there’s that.

I try not to think of that.

Oh, yes, sweet friends. You’re right, it’s hard.

Loving a child like they’re yours, but they aren’t is like trying to settle untamed land. I’m unsure which attachments to let grow wild and where it’d be wise to put up some fences.

Is she supposed to call me, mommy? I’m not her mommy.

What do I say when someone says, “Congratulations”? She’s not adopted. In fact, she’s with us because of traumatic circumstances.

Knowing we’ll probably only have her for a season; the knowledge breaks and heals, gives and takes away. I don’t know how to feel, so I feel everything. It’s fascinating and difficult. Please, pray for me.

Some days lunge at me like a ginormous octopus. Emotional tentacles are yanking my gut, trying to reach a new understanding of what God’s love is really about. How can it spread in so many directions at the same time, with the same purpose? Is it even possible for me to love like him?

I promise I’m trying. I’m finding I don’t know how to successfully love my foster daughter, her birth mama, her birth daddy, her paternal grandma, the two social workers, three investigators, three lawyers, and the judge equally.

I’m failing.

Somewhere down the line, I’ve come to believe that if I love one too much, it will interfere with my love for the other. What if I love too hard, will the wells eventually dry up?  I don’t want to find myself cracked and parched, unable to love brave again.

The word tells us, “For God loved the world, that he gave his only son,”(John 3:16)

In other words:

He loved, so he did a very hard thing;

He loved, so he gave what was most precious to him;

He loved, so he endured.

He loved, so he hung, his lips cracked, his mouth parched.

The veil was torn. His body was buried. But it wasn’t the bottom of the well.

When the world thought Jesus hit rock bottom, a bigger rock rolled away, and the fierce love of God rose up.

I’m learning we can’t put boundaries and borders upon God’s love. We’re the ones slapping labels on His callings: Too Hard. Not Worth It. I. Just. Can’t.

Of course, we can’t! Love wouldn’t be holy if we could accomplish it on our own. Only through Jesus, “For in him we live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28)

After our last failed adoption, I was convinced a piece of me would never feel again. I was wrong. The death in that experience gave birth to a new depth in me I didn’t know existed. Under the surface of that suffering was an understanding that God’s designed us for more. More perseverance, more strength, more wisdom, more hope, more fight, more courage, and abundant love.

He “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” (Ephesians 3:20)

We’re made in the image of God. So our love story on earth should look a bit like his.

Because he loves, we’ll do hard things. And because he’s with us, we’ll get through it.

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Dusting off hidden words…

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We better get our stuff figured out.

I had the honor of being with both my paternal grandparents when they went home to see Jesus.  Although physical death is ugly, I listened to my Poppa whispering scripture and pointing at angels before he died.  My Nanny was circled by her family praying and singing.  What a gift to have that last chance to say the words sitting on your heart. Not all people die this way.  I may not die this way. My husband’s brother died at 20 years old in a car crash. No time for a last minute goodbye or I love you.

You could argue, God allowing someone to die without the opportunity for goodbye is cruel;  proof that we bow to an unloving God.  But isn’t this just  a way to take the blame off us and point it elsewhere? Is God really denying us the chance to say how we feel, because he keeps hidden from us the date and time of our death?

What about TODAY? What about the past 10, 20, 30, 40 years we’ve been walking this earth? The last 20 minutes I’ve been typing, every single breath I’ve taken during this time…a gift. Every second lived on earth, is one more chance to speak life into those you love.  It’s arrogance that argues, ‘what if we don’t have a chance to tell people how we feel?’

Bull honky. Yes, I just said Bull Honky.

We need to take a step back, dust off the timid words tucked away in the crevices of our hearts, and release them like roaring waves onto the people we love.

We have some major responsibility here; it’s serious. We can’t pass the buck on this one.  God gave us a tongue; we can use it for life or death. (Proverbs 18:21) Let’s use it for LIFE while we still have our life here on earth. Continue reading